Reaching Heavenward

Seeking Understanding

As I’ve talked about before, all of us will experience hard times in our marriage. Our relationships will be tried and tested as we face certain challenges together. Dr. Gottman talked about what we call “Gridlock” this is when you can’t reach an agreement or understanding of perpetual disagreements. The four breaking points for gridlock outlined by Dr. Gottman are,

1. You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution.
2. Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.
3. The issue is become increasingly polarizing at time goes on.
4. Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out—giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.

When it’s no longer just an argument anymore and we are disagreeing on a far more personal level is when we can get gridlocked. One of the challenges is finding the core problem in this situation. What is it that you are disagreeing on and is there a bigger picture that you’re not seeing? Everyone has goals in a marriage both as a couple and as individual that often have a very sentimental or personal meaning behind it.

Ask yourself this question, do we know what our spouses’ goals are? Goals can be big or small, and we can have more than one. They can be anything from religion to finances, but goals are almost always connected to our core as a person. If we can figure out what our goals are in a relationship than it will be easier to understand how we can accommodate or find a middle ground to the problem. Sometimes it’s hard to crack our spouses code when they aren’t directly telling us what they want, or what their needs are. A few weeks ago, my husband was starting to get upset about something that seemed so miniscule and unimportant, within seconds he was in a full-on rage about it and I couldn’t understand what that problem was? Then I remembered similar situation that happened growing up when my dad started yelling because I had thrown away some doughnuts that were old. I was so confused until my mom explained to me afterwards, that my dad was going through a really tough situation at work and he had been so stressed. He wasn’t upset about the doughnuts at all, but it just was a way to let out his frustration. I realized that this was the same thing that was happening to my husband now. I quietly sat and listened until he was finished and then I said, “do you want to tell me what’s really bothering you?” He then unloaded the real problem that was bothering him, and we were able to talk through it.

As we find ourselves arguing or in the middle of a disagreement, stop and ask yourself if there is a different message in what they are saying? Are we seeking to understand what our spouses’ needs are? As we try to help one another in our marriage we will be strengthened.