Reaching Heavenward

Negative Actions that Affect Our Marriage

Growing up I always had people tell me, “You can’t marry someone until you’ve had a real fight” I was always puzzled by that. It made it sound like fighting was a steppingstone in the relationship. Once you had a “real fight” marriage was then free game. Why was fighting so important to understand? Wasn’t the goal to not fight with who you are dating, or your spouse? I think they were on the right track but just missed the mark a little. The goal isn’t to see how you fight; the goal is to see how you handle conflict together. The real focus of the relationship should be on building a real friendship and trust within one another.

Dr. Gottman addressed in his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” there is The Four Horsemen that make their way into contention and arguing in marriage. The Four Horsemen are: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Once we let even one of these things into our marriage, we are more likely to let things spiral out of control and we reach a point where we find ourselves having problems with all four of the horsemen. Ask yourself, when you argue with your spouse are you playing the victim card, do you find yourself having hard feelings against them, are you pointing out their faults and not your own? Every relationship has disagreements and conflict that’s a part of life, but how we work through them is the important part.

“Repair Attempts” are part of the process that Dr. Gottman suggest using in order to rescue a marriage that is going south. When conflict arises and there are disagreements you can, try to understand their point of view better and avoid retaliation if something is said that was rude, also try to lighten the mood, and rekindle the deep bonds of friendship that you once had. Every marriage that can be salvaged is worth saving. There is a level of growth that can only happen within the bond of marriage. The man and the women complete each other. Together they have the potential to create a love so strong that opposition will have no power over them if they work side by side. Remember to always strengthen your friendship within marriage.