Family Dynamics & Outcomes
Family dynamics are complicated to define because each family unit is so unique that often we can’t categorize them into one system. Families operate in in multiple theories, systems, subsystems, boundaries, rules, roles, and more. The important part is knowing how these systems work and what part we play in them.
All of us have witnessed a situation, or one similar to it where two little boys are playing with cars. Carson, the first boy decides he wants the red car which Brody, the second boy is playing with; Carson then takes the red car out of Brody’s hand which causes Brody to get upset and push Carson, then Carson pushes Brody back and the situation continues. This is perfect example of “Circular Causality” where A causes B and B causes A, so on and so forth. Does this pattern have an effect on families? Absolutely it does. Well what about families with grown children you might ask? Have you ever seen in a family where the adult siblings won’t talk to each other because of something that happened years ago, but because no one is willing to forgive they all just continue to stay mad, that is circular causality.
You may wonder why this is important to know, but the more you know about these problems the more you are able to prevent it from happening. I think we live in a world where people are famished and looking for resources, they want to help their families but just don’t know how. This can have a chain affect when we don’t understand the role we play it becomes impossible to break that chain.
We are influenced to act a certain way because of how we grew up in our families. Just like you have family traditions passed down from generation to generation, we also have family systems that can be passed down just the same without even knowing it. You may have had a rule growing up that you couldn’t watch tv until your room was clean and now that you have your own kids you reinforce the same rule. You have the freedom to create and set your own rules for your family, but we tend to fall back on the things we know. There are also unspoken rules that we tent to follow as well, like how you might call your family every Sunday. Your parents have never out right said that you need to call home every Sunday, but you know if you don’t, they will be hurt. This is where boundaries come into play.
Just because you used to do something in your family doesn’t always mean that you need to carry it on. That is between you and your spouse to figure out what will be the most healthy and affective way to raise your children. This will absolutely cause problems in your family and your marriage if you both are not on the same page, or you are still connected to your own parents/family too much. Look at it this way, you come from a family unit with its own set of rules and roles you follow. Your spouse comes from a family with their own rules and roles as well. When the two of you get married you leave those units to create your own. But let’s say that husband feels responsible to his sisters because their parents are divorced so he often has to be the third parent. That’s one string from the husband that leads back to his sisters. Then the husband feels responsible to his mom when she calls to talk about her problems. That’s another string leading back to his mom. And a similar situation for his dad. Now I’m not suggesting that once you are married you can’t ever help your family, or you need to shun them because you have a new family. What I am saying is, what do you think happens when the husband’s family all come to him for emotional support instead of talking to each other? The husband’s own family that he created with his spouse might suffer because he’s not able to give it the time and attention it needs because he’s busy helping his own previous family. See how that can be a problem.
I address these situations to help people understand that gaining a knowledge of how families work will benefit you in every shape and form. You will see thing from a new perspective and be able to actually make a difference in your family. You could be the one who breaks the mold. You could be the change that needs to happen.
This is Our Happy Place 